Israel has apologised after its intervention in last weekend’s Henley Regatta. Israeli stormtroopers boarded the Marlow Boys’ boat as it approached the finish line, and arrested four boys on suspicion of shipping ‘dirty bombs’ with an intention of destroying Israel.

“We apologise for any distress caused,” insisted spokesman Carl Regev. “However, it is essential that Israel act anywhere and everywhere to prevent terrorism. The Henley Regatta may at first glance appear an innocent occasion for rich people to drink Pimm’s and wear stupid jackets, but in truth, it is a covert exercise in ferrying illegal weapons and dirty bombs with the intention of destroying the Jewish people.”

“That is why we will not release the Marlow Boys’ Rowing Club members until we have beaten the crap out of them and forced them into admitting crimes against the state of Israel. Even then, we probably won’t release them.”

The Israeli government had been planning the seige for several months, according to intelligence papers recently leaked. Detailed plans show how the stormtroopers would board the boats and seize any potential weapons, while other squat teams would wait on standby if any of the other teams “went rogue” and decided to attack the stormtroopers. Documents warned of “the highly dangerous Hurley Girls Rowing Team”, saying “their reputation precedes them – three of these girls were suspended from school for bitch-slapping.”

Lady Henrietta Farquah-Shipshape, whose son was the cox for the Marlow Boys’ Rowing Club, blubbed today that she just “wants her little Tarquin” back, saying “those Israeli bullies think they can board any boat in the world and arrest anyone. Tarquin was guilty of nothing more than putting a few cherry bombs down the teachers’ toilets. A prank, yes, but no more than that. For the Israeli army to then descend upon him and his team mates… well… it’s a little excessive.”

Lord Benjamin von Hoohaw-Smythe witnessed the scene from the enclosure, and told reporters that “well I thought I’d had one too many Pimm’s, you see, old boy. So when I turned round and saw all these Jews with guns, I thought – what ho! Fun and games! Then it turns out they’re taking the Farquah-Shipshape boy and his chums off for a bout of bloody noses and fisticuffs – their fisticuffs, minds you. Kids need to be taught a lesson, though. Too soft on them, you see. In my day, a good beating was seen as character-building.”

David Cameron called for the boys to be released, but nobody was really listening.