David Cameron batted off accusations that his government was relying on product placement to fund its lavish lifestyle by creating two new cabinet positions: Chief Secretary for Tastiness and Minister for Total Satisfaction. The posts will be occupied by two of Cameron’s closest advisers, Ben and Jerry.

“Now listen,” said Cameron’s butler to reporters yesterday. “Ben and Jerry have worked hard on both Tastiness and Total Satisfaction for many years, and it is purely for the benefit of the British electorate that we have created these two new ministerial positions. They will join us in the cabinet to discuss how we can boost the economy through greater consumption of Ben and Jerry ice cream.”

“I mean, ice cream in general,” he added, licking his lips hastily. “Our research has proved that ice cream is actually fine if part of a healthy diet, so long as we don’t specify what the healthy diet is or mention exercise in any form whatsoever. In fact, if we completely ignore the healthy diet and promote the ice cream, everybody’s happy. This way, we can scrap the previous government’s lavish Change 4 Life programmes AND make money.”

The appointments come after Cameron created the Department for Social Welfare and Primark, and appointed the Marlboro Man to head up an investigation into the health benefits of smoking twenty a day.

Last week, the government was at the centre of controversy when Nick Clegg continually supped from a Pepsi can during a Commons debate, motioning towards the cameras and dropping Pepsi slogans into his answers. When asked by the MP for Flydale North whether Mr Clegg would be cutting winter fuel payments for the elderly, Mr Clegg replied: “I think they ‘gotta have it’”, before taking a sip from his can of Pepsi. “We don’t want to cut winter fuel payments. It’s the taste. Ahhhhhhhhh.”

Furious MPs called for the speaker to take action against the leader. John Bercow, however, reminded MPs that there was nothing in the rules that prevented MPs from taking a “sweet, refreshing little sip of Pepsi heaven”