Dear Readers,

A few months ago, we posted an article which boldly claimed that Nick Clegg eats babies. In the article, we detailed at length how the Liberal Democrat leader and now Deputy Prime Minister would stalk the streets of Sheffield slavering at the chops in search of newborn blood.

We now realise that we were correct, and would like to apologise. The Daily Shame strives to make every effort to report lies, falsehood and exaggeration to satiate our readers’ lust for something other than the truth, and we regret that this aberration may tarnish our reputation for not telling the truth. We apologise wholeheartedly for any disappointment that our article back in April may have caused.

You see, we thought it would be funny. We thought it would be amusing to poke fun at the establishment’s scoriating tirade on a young man who speaks dangerous foreign languages and risked turning the General Election into something other than a Tory victory. We believed that by exaggerating the voracity of the establishment’s campaign against the Liberal Democrat leader, we would potentially amuse a few people. We had no idea that the accusations were true.

Nick Clegg does indeed eat babies, and he does indeed take part in Satanic rituals in which he worships the Lord Beelzebub. We also reported that he burns virgins on Hampstead Heath every Saturday night, and this is also unfortunately true. He also believes that British people should be thrown out of their own country and replaced with paedophile immigrant Muslims in burqas and Polish benefits claimants. We reported this believing it to be untrue, and we are shocked to discover that this is what he plans to unleash on the country.

Worst of all, however, we revealed that he ridiculously believed the war in Iraq to be illegal. What a nonce.

We have launched an internal investigation into these truthful reports, and can assure our loyal readers that in future, all sources will be rigorously checked for lack of facts, inaccuracy and shortage of detail. We have created a number of processes through which we will ensure that no truth whatsoever shall be reported on these pages, and once more, we are truly, very, deeply, horribly sorry.

Yours,

The Daily Shame