As one of the world’s pre-eminent gorillas, I know a thing or two about tag. I remember running around the cage as a youngster, like a mad chimp playing tag with the other chimps, completely unaware of the centuries of tradition that have preceded our innocent game.

You see, this rich heritage of tag runs through the generations. My grandfather played it – his father played it – his father played it and no doubt his father played it too. You get the picture – we’re tag freaks, us gorillas. We love it. We can’t get enough of the game. I just can’t believe that you humans have only just found out that we play it. Christ, I mean, every year in London Zoo, we hold the World Gorilla Tag championships, and you didn’t even notice?

As chimps, we’re taught all about the great Tag champions of the past – from Hairy Bert in the 1700s through to modern day greats such as Banana Barry or Chuckles. The game runs through our veins, man. It’s in our blood.

You loll around in a world of your own, you lot. Here we are, maintaining our long tradition of tag, improving our techniques, honing our skills, and you just sit there thinking – ah, they’re hairy and they eat bananas. Yeah, I’m a hairy gorilla, and I eat bananas (I love ‘em, please send some more), but there’s more to us than that. We play tag loads, but we play other games too – I believe you’ve copied them, too. When we’re really bored, we play a game called “I Spy” – although there’s not much to spy once you’ve been round the cage twenty times already. I Spy something beginning with B – is it banana, or banana? No, you hairless bunch of freaks, it’s “brat” for that horrible little shit of a kid who keeps throwing sweets at us.

As grown-ups, we move away from Tag (don’t have the energy) and play more intellectual games such as Scrabble or Cluedo. My favourite, though, is charades. I love the face on those dumb humans when we’re playing charades. Hahahaha. It’s ace. There I am trying to express “Sleepless in Seattle” through the medium of mime, and you’re all standing there thinking “Aw, they’re gorillas and they’re having fun”.

Some of the more modern gorillas like to play poker, but heck, have you ever played poker with a gorilla? I’ll stick to bridge, thanks, much more civil.