I propose that each and every foreign spouse, in fact, each and every foreigner that comes to the UK – and I include those that call themselves “European”, despite only having a tenuous hold on that particular title – should embody the spirit of Princess Diana. What greater way of understanding what it means to be British, and what it means to live in this great country of ours?

Wouldn’t it be a better Britain if the foreigners we let through our already porous gates were in tune with the wishes and the ethos of Diana? If every Polish plumber and Latvian kerb-crawler understood what Diana meant to each and every one of us, there would be no crime and the skies would never rain.

Every foreigner who lands on British soil should be held at immigration and assessed as to what extent they embody Diana’s spirit. This should be in the form of random questionning by customs officials, who naturally embody Diana’s spirit anyway, and then through a written essay of at least 1,000 words explaining exactly how they intend to carry the torch of Diana’s love throughout their stay in the UK. Those who fail to adequately explain Diana’s spirit will be forced to return to their own country – regardless of whether they’d be tortured or not.

There must also be regular checks on whether immigrants in this country are respecting the wishes of the late Princess of Wales. In this instance, the medium Derek Acorah can hold regular seances so that we can get in touch with the spirit of Princess Diana, and she can inform us of which immigrants are failing to embody her spirit. Immigrants should also be made to write poems to Diana’s memory on a regular basis, so that they remain in tune with her spirit. Those who fail to submit at least 20 lines of poetry a year will be subject to even more rigorous checks.

This is what she would have wanted, and it will make the UK a safer, nicer place, in which the life of Princess Diana is cherished and respected by everyone. Diana did not want hoodlums cluttering up our streets, and she definitely did not want benefits spongers turning the white cliffs of Dover a lurid shade of yellow with their rancid piss.

Disclaimer: This is not really Carol Vorderman writing for the Daily Shame. We’d never let that rabid woman write for us in reality. Thanks, but no thanks, Carol.