The nation’s perverts have declared themselves “delighted” and “overjoyed” that underage popstar Miley Cyrus has finally made her transformation from child to lesbian-snogging singing prostitute. The UK Institue of Perverts (UKIP) said it was “about time”.

“We’ve been waiting to perv over Miley Cyrus for about six years now,” said Oilslick McHair. “But we’re perverts, not paedophiles, and part of UKIP’s core values is that there is a clear and distinct separation between the two. So for all these years, we have been monitoring the Cyrus situation with a view to perving over her at the most appropriate time. It appears that now is the time, and Kleenex sales have rocketed.”

UKIP officials drew up a timeline for Cyrus perving back in 2004 when Gregor Guiltfest, a minor-ranking pervert, accidentally switched on The Disney Channel in a vain attempt to find something watchable: “I guess I was kinda stuck for something to watch, and then my thumb missed the ‘next’ button on the remote and hey – I was watching this 11-year-old girl, and I thought to myself – this is a Hermione Granger moment. You know, it’s wrong, but you know that at some point in the future, it’s going to be right. Is that sick? Am I allowed to say that? I’m a pervert, remember, not a paedophile. They’re quite distinct and separate, you should look that up.”

Guiltfest brought the issue up at the plenary session of UKIP towards the end of 2004, and a motion was passed allowing the UK’s perverts to perv over Cyrus “at an unspecified date in the future”, henceforth putting a ban on Cyrus perving until that date were agreed upon.

“We’ve got strict rules,” said McHair. “Strictly no perving until it is socially acceptable to do so. There’s also the Billy Ray factor, which frightened the shit out of most people. I mean, can you perv over someone whose father you know to be a complete dick? There are perving ethics at play here, so we’ve been treading on eggshells. However, seeing her romp around like a prostitute filled my little heart with joy, and I’m sure that it pleased her father, too.”

The mandatory transformation from Disney presenter to singing prostitute has not always been welcomed. Former Disney presenter Floella Buckfast refused to wear knee-high boots and nipple tassles on her 15th birthday, resulting in her being fired by the channel: “I know that there is a responsibility towards perverts and all that, but I just wasn’t comfortable with baring so much flesh,” she said on her blog. “But I’m happy for the world’s perverts, they must be chuffed about this.”