Fans of local side Shytte Orthopaedic have called for manager Frankie Acapella to step down after a humiliating defeat in a pre-season friendly against Bayer Arschloch of Germany. Acapella, who is thought to earn a three-figure salary, has resisted calls to resign, but a string of abject performances has left fans furious.

“I can’t believe he’s still in the job,” said Orthopaedic fan Barry Twomerdes. “It’s been rubbish since he took charge. How can he take these quality players and make one rubbish side out of them? He sticks to 4-4-2 but everyone knows that Darren Copshaft needs to play alone up front with someone playing in the hole behind. When will Acapella understand?”

Copshaft, a part-time painter from nearby village Borlz-by-Gucci, is the highest-paid player on the Orthopaedic side, having been signed from rivals Shytte Remedial for two bitter shandies last season. With a return of eight goals last year, he became the club’s top scorer, but is at a loss as to why Orthopaedic’s slide continues:

“The lads are all trying their best,” he told reporters yesterday. “But the loss to Arschloch hurts a lot. I had to take half a day off work to play this game, so I’ve taken a financial hit as well. That’s how much it means to all of us. You should blame us, not the manager.”

Orthopaedic now go into next month’s Inter-Shytte tournament as underdogs, having not won the title since 1966, the famous “in off the dog” year when feted cocker spaniel “Lucky” ran onto the pitch and deflected a wayward shot into opponents Shytte & Borlz Albion’s net. Forty-four years of hurt later, and some fans refuse to believe that Orthopaedic’s best days are behind them:

“I still believe,” said devoted Orthopaedic fanatic, Kevin Oldhat. “I still reckon we can win it. Every year, I get out my 1966 rattle and wave it around my head like mad. Barry doesn’t like it, but it means something to me. All those years of hurt, and now we’ve got stuck with this overpaid Acapella bloke. I don’t care about all his medals with FC Stronzo in Italy – what I care about is Orthopaedic, and the right here – right now. If he can’t get the best out of these players, well he’s got to go.”

“Some of these players are on two-figure salaries, and it’s probably going to bankrupt the club unless we start winning trophies. They need to show some pride when they put on the Shytte shirt.”

Orthopaedic season ticket holder Maureen Farniente is backing Acapella, saying “If he can’t do it – no one can. They’ve had their chances, we all know they’re the most talented Orthopaedic team since the 60s, and frankly, we’ve got the best manager we’ve had since Bozza, the landlord at the Wyvern, back in the 70s. I just don’t think they care as much as we do. They’d much rather be in their cushy jobs earning four-figure salaries as painters, pizza delivery drivers and benefits scroungers, not playing for the Orthopaedic.”