A government education committee is set to recommend that children as young as 5 should be taught about the existence of Janet Street Porter. Parents have reacted angrily to the suggestion, claiming that “no child that young should know such things”.

The report, set to be published next week, will lay out a roadmap for awareness, acknowledgement and finally, acceptance of Street Porter’s existence, and recognises that it will put a strain on teaching resources. Lord Byron Overkill, who headed up the committee, said that: “while our resources will undoubtedly be stretched, it is essential that children learn from an early age that Janet Street Porter walks among us. Our roadmap prepares children from an early age, so that it doesn’t come as such a shock later on in life.”

“Research clearly shows that the earlier children know about Janet Street Porter, the better. Those who continue until teenage years without even acknowledging her existence can suffer severe emotional scars upon first encountering her. We’ve had cases of teenagers who have entered shock, and as a result, have missed exams, gone into depression or in some extreme cases, gone into wholesale denial about her existence.”

The “Street Porter Roadmap” proposal suggests that children are introduced to the concept of Janet Street Porter through the medium of cartoon books, in which the buck-tooth TV presenter’s teeth effectively “pop-up” out of the page. Parents have reacted angrily after initial tests showed that five-year-old children were “petrified” by the teeth, but were relieved when informed that children would be shielded from her voice until the age of eight.

At the age of seven, children will be trained to watch videos of Janet Street Porter with the volume down. Once more, test groups proved difficult, with three children vomiting and two having to be carried out by teachers, having fainted. The roadmap plans for the volume to be gradually brought up to audible levels by the age of eight.

As children enter secondary school, plans include two-hour Janet Street Porter endurance sessions on a monthly basis, with support and counselling for those children who feel they are unable to cope with her existence. Head teacher Driveby Wilson, whose Shytte-on-Sea Primary school has been taking part in the tests, said that “not only is this dangerous for children, you have to think of the pressure it is putting on teachers. Already, the Institute for JSP Reseach has recommended a limit of no more than 5 hours of Janet Street Porter per week for a fully grown adult. If you factor in the preparation that goes into these classes, we’re already reaching dangerous levels. I’ve got two members of staff who are on sick leave because of this ridiculous experiment.”

Year Four pupil Trixiebelle Von Peach-Smith said that she is beginning to get used to Street Porter: “I found her really scary at first. Especially when the cartoon Janet started talking. But I think it’s OK now. My mummy comes into my bedroom every time she hears me crying, and I’m not crying as much as I did in the first months.”