Children from Our Lady’s Shytte-on-Sea Primary School will be putting on a special school play to commemorate the music of popular early 1980s indie band, Joy Division. The play, which culminates in the suicide and ultimate veneration of Ian Curtis, has been slammed by local religious groups as “probably quite a bad thing, ethically speaking”.

“Children should be doing plays about Lord Jesus,” said Reverend Barchester von Trappe. “Not glorifying the life and times of a pop group. My own grandson is playing music mogul and wacky Granada presenter, Tony Wilson, which I believe is a major role in the play. I’d rather he were playing the third sheep in the nativity, if I were to be honest with you. This is sick, just sick. And yes, I do see the parallels between Curtis and Jesus, and I’m uncomfortable with that, despite the spectacular lighting display.”

Jack Gibbons, who plays Ian Curtis in “Joy Division: The Play” said that the whole experience has been an eye-opener: “I didn’t know that they were named after the prostitution wing of a Nazi concentration camp!” explained the goggle-eyed 10-year-old. “So reading about that in class was brilliant. The only bit I don’t like is having to hang myself at the end of the play.”

Aaalixxxsha-Tiger, who plays Peter Hook in the play, says that her parents were “apprehensive” at first, but as soon as they heard the school orchestra’s rendition of “Warsaw”, they were fully on board:

“Some people say it’s a little depressing,” she admitted, “but when you hear the violins, flutes and recorders in Warsaw, you realise it’s better than any nativity play ever! You know, we might only be 10 and 11, but it takes a lot of acting skill to display the friction between a band and its record label.”

Teacher Tony Sweattocks said that “Joy Division: The Play” was a labour of love, adding that the Sex Pistols scenes were “some of the hardest to choreograph”:

“That gig at the Manchester Lesser Free Trade Hall is key to the whole play, but getting children to perform Sex Pistols songs is something that you really do have to square with parents first – as I have discovered. There were several injuries, and I almost lost my job, but it was worth it.”