England physios have revealed that defender Ledley King is to be “taken apart” and rebuilt after every game in the tournament. The fragile Spurs and England defender will be deconstructed, and each body part will be kept in safe keeping by highly paid security agents.

The expensive process, engineered by scientists from Switzerland, will take approximately 6 full hours, with Ledley King’s body parts being maintained in ice and cotton wool, further ice, and further cotton wool. Fabio Capello told reporters yesterday that “it is only way we can guarantee he make it through tournament. We have employed top security guards for his feet, his head and his legs. We have employed average security guards for his arms, and I will personally look after his ribcage and his groin. This way, we rebuild Ledley for every game and check with top engineers that he is fully working.”

England have had to seek special dispensation from FIFA for the rather extreme proposal, and each rebuild of King will be overseen by FIFA officials who are keen to observe that England rebuild Ledley King from Ledley King parts only. Some have voiced fears that the England team will seek an advantage by building in additional body parts. A FIFA spokesman said “there is nothing in the rules that says England can’t do this.”

He continued: “However, we have to make sure that England don’t try to replace Ledley King’s knee with, say, that of Rio Ferdinand, who we know will not be needing his knee during the tournament. There is also the worry that the body parts will somehow be individually embellished during the tournament, so we must keep a close eye on each one.”

King is said to be “relaxed” about the whole process, despite worries within the England camp that thieves could attempt to steal a vital body part before a game. Criminal groups are believed to be targeting King’s groin, which will be kept under minimum security in Fabio Capello’s hotel room. They believe that King’s groin could be worth “a few quid”, but scientists have claimed that King can play “without the groin” if required. Equally, the England camp has been bombarded with offers of body parts to “pimp” King up in advance of England’s opener against the USA.