The 34 wives of Jacob Zuma have expressed their shock at how the South African President illustrated their relative importance through the means of a pie chart. In a twenty-four slide presentation to the eighth annual Congress of the Wives of Jacob Zuma (CWJZ), Jacob, who was attending for the first time, was attempting to explain how he would divide his time between his wives and children.

“It was sickening,” said 12th wife Mary. “I only had a really small slither of the pie chart, and from the hand-outs, it appears that I’m only getting ten minutes of what he calls ‘Zuma Time’ this month. I had no idea that when I married this man, I was only going to get half the amount of time given to his 20th wife. I’d go to him and complain, but I’m on the clock.”

A quarter of Jacob’s pie chart was left blank for “future wives and general female associations”, which left several wives stunned. 27th wife Tabatha said “Some time, he has to draw the line. I mean, I knew what I was marrying, and I love meeting up with the girls every year for a chat and a few drinks. But we’re getting diminishing ‘Zuma Time’ over the next year – how am I supposed to bring up his fifteen children without a father in the house?”

Organisers of the Congress said that Zuma’s presentation was “a delight”, and noted the skilled use of PowerPoint and Excel that “really set Zuma apart” from the other presenters. Zuma started with a light-hearted ice breaker, introducing himself and ’something nobody in the room would know about him’, before going round the room so that everyone could participate. He then launched into a set of slides that showed how ‘Zuma Time’ is broken down, with several fade-in PowerPoint builds that left the audience breathless.

“The pie chart was a real coup,” said Zuma’s close friend, Desmond. “What better way of telling your wives how they fit into your life? And it was easy to go back into the chart to change the numbers once Jacob realised he’d forgotten two of the wives.”