ITV viewers have complained in their droves that they are unable to hear the sound of the South African Vuvuzelas for the sound of cliches dropping like stones from the commentators’ mouths. Clive Tyldesley has come in for heavy criticism after it was revealed that he only communicates in cliche and hyperbole, even when the microphones are off.

Regular ITV viewer Barry Camionblanc said “I thought this World Cup would be all about the Vuvuzela, about the unique African sound and atmosphere, but instead I’ve got these idiots blaring in my earhole the whole time about ‘that night in Barcelona’ and how ‘this is the most important moment in the history of some nation or other’, or telling me that ‘the hand of fate lies squarely on the shoulders’ of some centre-forward or other. Is there no way we can screen these commentators out?”

Football fan Norman Sanscerveau was equally irked, telling followers on his blog: “I can’t hear anything except Peter Drury waffling on about how this ‘could… just could be… the greatest moment ever… in the history of greatest moments… since greatest moments were first thought of by the person who first had a greatest moment…’ or Clive Tyldesley banging on about ’since the dawn of time, has there ever been a more crucial free kick?’… I just want to sit down and listen to the sound of Vuvuzelas gently rocking me into a blissful sleep while 22 men try to defend a 0-0 scoreline. What’s wrong with that?”

ITV boffins have been working on a high pitch sound that can block out the cliches of a commentator, which will soon be made available on the red button for those who wish to hear the sound of the Vuvuzelas. However, at the moment, they admit they are “far from an adequate solution”.

“We’ve got something,” said Head Scientist, Jereboam Oakstick. “But right now, it sounds a bit like John Motson being poked with a stick, and intermittently, you can still hear the odd word from the commentator, such as “night in Barcelona” or “most important” or “I tell you what…”. So we’ve got some work to do.” Clive Tyldesley, however, attempted to stem the flow of criticism by defending the position of the ITV commentators.

“When the cookie crumbles,” said Tyldesley, “it is, without a shadow of a doubt, the greatest responsibility in the universe to commentate on the greatest, most exciting tournament in the entire world. So, at the end of the day, when the sun sets and the fat lady sings, when all’s said and done, this just may be – whisper it – the giant hand of responsibility guiding me towards the ultimate dream.”