David Cameron is to embark on an ambitious face-to-face cost-savings review with every UK citizen. According to plans drawn up by the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats, the Prime Minister will make a whirlwind tour of the country over the next three years, meeting roughly every single person of voting age.

In trial reviews, Cameron met with members of his own constituency in Witney, and left some feeling shocked. Grandmother Doris Betsy said “he came round and I offered him a cup of tea. He immediately said that I should just use the one tea bag for both cups to save money. Well, that was very clever, but then he went round the house turning off lights and plug points, and told me off for wasting electricity.”

“He stayed for about an hour,” she continued, “and at the end of it, I was shell-shocked. He handed over this sheet of paper with recommendations on it such as ’sell those old books on Amazon’ and ‘use the shower, not the bath’, saying I could make about £23.50 of savings across the year, and he told me to get a draught excluder to save on those heating bills. Some of it was bloody obvious, frankly. Then he said he’s going to come back in a year’s time and if I haven’t done what he suggested, he’ll fine me!”

Cameron’s partner, Nick Clegg, said last night that the reviews were “going to be painful”, adding “some people might not like being told they have to save money, but if we all pull together, then we can get through this. Only yesterday, David visited a man who was using twice as much toothpaste as he could be using. That represents a saving of 70p per month, and he could save even more if he switched to supermarket-own brands instead of Colgate.”

“These are the little things that are going to make the difference, you know,” he continued. “Myself, I’ve learned how to darn socks.”

The coalition government is also holding workshops, full of handy hints on how to save money around the household. David Willets will be holding a “Knit for Britain” workshop in Hull next week, while Teresa May will be coaching the people of Peterborough on how to grow carrots. William Hague, in the meanwhile, is set to tour Britain in a vegetable-oil powered Battle Bus that turns into a walk-in “cost savings” surgery, where any spendthrift consumers can pop in for a dressing down.

“This is all absolutely necessary,” insisted Cameron, “and when I meet with the people of Great Britain, I will be checking that absolutely not one single person has left their television on stand-by overnight, and that everyone has draught excluders.”