Dear iConsumers,

It has come to our attention that many of you are worried about our use of 5-year-old children in Asian sweatshops. It is only natural that you should be concerned about our labour practices, and especially the regulations concerning our sweatshops in East Asia, notably Vietnam, Laos and a few other places we can’t quite remember right now.

I would like to reassure all iConsumers that all of the children working in our sweatshops have been trained rigorously, and that no stone has been left unturned in our quest to find the hardest-working toddlers in the Far East. We have put together a training programme that ensures your iPhones and iPads will be produced to the highest quality, and seek to guarantee our customers that quality measures have been implemented in each and every sweatshop.

For example, our sweatshop in Ho Chi Min City has implemented a Six Sigma process, which has helped extend the childrens’ working hours from 20 hours to 22 hours per day. Our sweatshop in Panang has implemented a system which reduces the number of hours’ daylight a child has access to, improving their productivity by 6% and increasing the number of iPhones produced at that particular sweatshop by 3%.

All across our sweatshops in Thailand, we have withheld payment from our toddlers, and have instead offered them biscuits and sweets, which cost Apple less and have, in fact, increased productivity and engagement to such levels that the children never stop work. After 72 hours, each toddler receives a biscuit and a glass of water, which doctors say is the minimum required to produce an iPhone. And yes, to maintain production levels, we ensure that the biscuit and water break lasts no more than five minutes.

These are just some of the ways we have modified out sweatshop procedures to help you, the customer, so that you can get your iPhone on time, and in full working order. Should you have any complaints over the standard of your iPhone or iPad, please phone our “Sweatshop Complaints” helpline, and we will be able to pinpoint exactly which toddler made the manufacturing mistake and have them shot.

Disclaimer: This isn’t actually from Apple, you know. It’s satire and none of it is true. So if you’re from Apple, hello!