Local headmaster Buncefield Farnborough has lashed out at Asian gamblers who have allegedly offered bribes to schoolchildren in an attempt to fix the Saint Shytte Secondary School Sports Day, which takes place later this month. Several schoolchildren have come forward saying that they were offered “significant amounts of money” to fail on the day.

“I don’t want to sound racist,” said Farnborough, “but having all these Chinese men hanging around the school gates is beginning to worry me. Dylan Brokeback, a small boy in Year 8, came to me saying he had been offered £3.21 to fall over in the egg and spoon race. What is the world coming to if a small, disadvantaged boy cannot compete properly in the egg and spoon race?”

Brokeback broke down when questioned over the attempted bribe, saying “I usually fall down anyway, so the money was really tempting. It would have doubled my monthly pocket money which I’m saving up to put towards an iPhone, so I really needed this money. Perhaps that’s why they targeted me?”

Year 11 student Cynthia Spritely claimed that she was approached by an Asian gambling syndicate to come last in the javelin and shot-put competitions, despite being the school’s leading light in both disciplines since she joined as a 10-year-old.

“Three Chinese men in shiny grey suits approached me and said that they had an ‘interesting business offer’. Well, I’m doing business studies for GCSE so I thought that it might be useful experience. They took me to the local Starbucks and got me everything I wanted, a skinny latte and a biscuit – said that I was to ‘take a fall’ for them and they’d give me a cut of their winnings. I have to admit, they were talking tens of pounds, so naturally I was interested, but I’m in line for Sports Girl of the Year award, and long-term, that’s of much higher value to me.”

The Asian Gambler’s Association (AGA) defended the gamblers’ right to fix sporting events, saying “there’s nothing else left. We’ve done the football and the Premiership is getting a little, shall we say, predictable”, before launching into a bout of uncontrollable laughter. Having calmed down, the spokesperson continued: “We even started taking bets on the number of bets we would place in a week, and when I discovered that we were even fixing that, I suggested that we branch out into minor sporting events that would go unnoticed, such as county cricket or school sports days.”