Ledley King to be taken apart and rebuilt after every game
England physios have revealed that defender Ledley King is to be "taken apart" and rebuilt after every game in the tournament. The fragile Spurs and England defender will be deconstructed, and each body part will be kept in safe keeping by highly paid security agents.
David Cameron to hold cost-saving reviews with every UK citizen
David Cameron is to embark on an ambitious face-to-face cost-savings review with every UK citizen. According to plans drawn up by the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats, the Prime Minister will make a whirlwind tour of the country over the next three years, meeting roughly every single person of voting age.
UK’s perverts “delighted” about Miley Cyrus transformation
The nation's perverts have declared themselves "delighted" and "overjoyed" that underage popstar Miley Cyrus has finally made her transformation from child to lesbian-snogging singing prostitute. The UK Institue of Perverts (UKIP) said it was "about time".
Primary school puts on Joy Division play
Children from Our Lady's Shytte-on-Sea Primary School will be putting on a special school play to commemorate the music of popular early 1980s indie band, Joy Division. The play, which culminates in the suicide and ultimate veneration of Ian Curtis, has been slammed by local religious groups as "probably quite a bad thing, ethically speaking".
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Asian gambling syndicate tries to fix school sports day
Local headmaster Buncefield Farnborough has lashed out at Asian gamblers who have allegedly offered bribes to schoolchildren in an attempt to fix the Saint Shytte Secondary School Sports Day, which takes place later this month. Several schoolchildren have come forward saying that they were offered "significant amounts of money" to fail on the day.
Local plumber exhales and tells BP “it’s going to cost you”
Howard Tool is not a plumber to hold his punches, and having been called in by BP to give a quote on fixing their leak in the Gulf of Mexico, he merely blew out a gush of air from his mouth, tutted and expressed his dismay at the situation. Plunging his hands in his overall...
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