Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Fans of local side Shytte Orthopaedic have called for manager Frankie Acapella to step down after a humiliating defeat in a pre-season friendly against Bayer Arschloch of Germany. Acapella, who is thought to earn a three-figure salary, has resisted calls to resign, but a string of abject performances has left fans furious.
A government education committee is set to recommend that children as young as 5 should be taught about the existence of Janet Street Porter. Parents have reacted angrily to the suggestion, claiming that “no child that young should know such things”.
David Cameron has praised Londoners for their “spirit and enterprise”, as the entire city evacuated ahead of Nicolas Sarkozy’s state visit. The French President, who arrived by Eurostar last night, walked the empty streets of the capital with his advisors, claiming it was “like Paris in August”.
The 34 wives of Jacob Zuma have expressed their shock at how the South African President illustrated their relative importance through the means of a pie chart. In a twenty-four slide presentation to the eighth annual Congress of the Wives of Jacob Zuma (CWJZ), Jacob, who was attending for the first time, was attempting to explain how he would divide his time between his wives and children.
ITV viewers have complained in their droves that they are unable to hear the sound of the South African Vuvuzelas for the sound of cliches dropping like stones from the commentators’ mouths. Clive Tyldesley has come in for heavy criticism after it was revealed that he only communicates in cliche and hyperbole, even when the microphones are off.
The Vuvuzela craze is all set to hit Wimbledon over the next fortnight – and special Vuvuzelas have been made which emit a loud “Come on Timmy!” in homage to Wimbledon favourite Tim Henman. Hundreds of eager tennis fans have already picked up the Wimbledon Vuvuzelas, including Maureen Mittleklaas from Henley-on-Thames.
North Korea has celebrated its victory over Brazil with parties long into the night, and crowds lining the streets to proclaim Kim Jong Il as the “greatest ever leader ever in the history of the world”. The World Cup minnows “beat” Brazil last night 4-0 in one of the greatest “upsets” ever seen.
Quantum physicists have revealed that in an alternative universe, Fox News presenter Bill O’Reilly is 100% homosexual, and proud of it. The shocking findings come as part of a report on alternative universes and gay-ness, commissioned by the alternative universe gay-friendly Fox News channel.
Dear iConsumers,
It has come to our attention that many of you are worried about our use of 5-year-old children in Asian sweatshops. It is only natural that you should be concerned about our labour practices, and especially the regulations concerning our sweatshops in East Asia, notably Vietnam, Laos and a few other places we can’t quite remember right now.
Madcap French coach Raymond Domenech has revealed that his French side to face Uruguay in the World Cup this week was picked after an in-depth conversation with Hindu God Ganesha. The zany Indian God came to Domenech to warn him of the alignment his ascendent and Uranus, and the inherent dangers of picking Thierry Henry.
Daily Star Blames Muslims For Rain
Latest Al Qaeda recruitment video “basically a Justin Bieber video” say experts
Gadaffi restores Libya internet access to check comparethemercenary.com
BBC Asian Network “not doing enough to attract white, middle class listeners”
Wikileaks urged not to publish plot to Cats and Dogs 3: Feline Good
UK economy losing billions due to time lost by employees “pausing for effect”
France grinds to a halt as nation asked to work until 5:05pm
