The UK’s idiots are up in arms after a report published today revealed that they are increasingly being left behind in the race for university places. Fools, dimwits and plonkers are among those groups “most unlikely” to make it to one of the UK’s top universities.

“This is damning evidence of a stitch-up,” said village idiot Bronwen Grosseins. “I was turned away by Oxford, Cambridge and Luton, and at the time, I thought to myself – there’s a conspiracy going on here. I’m knocking on the door, but no one is letting me in. Just because I’m an idiot doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be allowed to go to university.”

Moron Dave Camionblank told the Daily Shame that he applied to over 50 universities, and “they didn’t even bother answering back.” He continued: “I wrote my application form out on black paper so that it would get noticed. They couldn’t even be arsed to get back to me, I mean what’s that all about? All these years I’ve been trying to get into higher education, but just because I’m a moron, they think they can exclude me. On the other hand, at least I can blame them.”

The report highlighted the main universities’ tendency to focus on ‘clever’ groups of people, such as scientists and people who can read books, as part of their overall strategy to meet what are known in the industry as “government results targets”. In doing so, they are leaving behind great swathes of the nation, many of whom feel they deserve a place in higher education. The National Institute of Morons, who published the findings, claim that not even the new universities, who are desperate for money and all that, are playing their part in educating the nation’s cretins.

“Every year, we hear the same story. The clever people get in, but the imbeciles are left out. You might have thought that dongos with cash would have been able to buy their way in, but our top educational establishments are still relying on intelligence for admission. If this continues, our imbecilic nation will have absolutely no access to a student lifestyle. We’ve found that imbeciles can’t even get in to do something ridiculous like American Studies.”

Universities have reacted furiously to the report, claiming that they have “upped their levels of knobs and wankers,” with Manchester University’s Gregor Branleur adding “we’ve done all we can to get more knobs, wankers and tosspots into our universities, to the extent that we’ve probably got more of them than we have normal people. If you want proof, just go into town on a weeknight and they’re usually wearing traffic cones on their heads, pissed up on Diamond Whites. So we’re doing our bit here.”