A love triangle has captured the imagination of locals in the Norfolk village of Shytte. Local toff Quentin Carruthers-Quietly has voiced concerns over his new liberal girlfriend, Shirley Middleground, claiming that she appears to be ’seeing’ her scruffy, working-class ex-boyfriend, Arthur Whippet.

“We only met a few days ago,” he moaned, “and I thought that we really had something going. Something special. I even took her to meet my parents, Dave and William. But then I found out that she has been texting this scruffy little oik from the north, and that she went out with him, like, years ago. I was devastated. Absolutely devastated. So I gave her an ultimatum – it’s me or the oik.”

Middleground and Whippet allegedly “go back years”, and friends claim that they are still close. Middleground denied any romantic liaison with her ex, saying, “hey, I’m a liberal woman, which means I can be liberal and see who I want, right? There’s nothing between myself and Arthur, we’re just meeting up for a drink, yeah? So I poked him on Facebook the other day and I’ve been following his tweets, but that’s nothing, yeah?”

“We’re old friends from our school days, and yes, he is a bit creepy, but that’s nothing to do with Quentin! He should just chill.”

Carruthers-Quietly, however, is worried that the socialist oik from down the road has been trying to woo Middleground with promises of “unbridled shagging”, something that “only those scummy socialist types do”, adding: “Oh, so this is meant to be all innocent, is it? So why is it that when Shirley came round to mine last night, that Whippet lad was stood outside my window with a box of chocolates? I’ve already offered her a box of Milk Tray and that really has to be my final offer.”

“I’ve made loads of compromises for Shirley, you know. I don’t think she appreciates that. I’ve offered to stop shooting gays and blacks with my air rifle – although I’ve told her that I can’t stop papa from doing it. I’ve even offered to start recycling, although I think I’ll have to take lessons. So frankly, to know that she’s off with that northern oik, well it hurts.”

Sources close to Arthur say that he is “looking for more than just talks” with his ex-girlfriend, and that he’s willing to give up all his bad habits, such as farting in bed and picking his nose in public. Close friend Derek said “he just wants to get into bed with Shirley”, adding that “frankly, anyone will do for Arthur and I’m quite sure he’s already hooked up with a Scottish and a Welsh bird as well as some tree-hugger from Brighton.”