Scientists claim to have isolated a gene unique to traffic wardens. The discovery of the “traffic warden” gene has been hailed as “remarkable” by the genetics community, and could lead to parental pre-natal choice to help their children avoid growing up into traffic wardens.

“While this is an amazing discovery,” admitted Peter Harthnacnut from the University of Shyttehampton, “we have to consider the ethical aspects here – do we really want parents playing God? I admit, if I found out that my unborn baby had, at a very early stage, the traffic warden gene, I would pay good money to have it removed somehow. This could lead to a flood of parents asking to have this gene eliminated in utero. So we’re opening up a whole can of worms.”

“But – and this is a bit but – it could lead to a more wholesome, less irksome and ultimately less despicable lifestyle for the child in question. Our research has uncovered serious bullying at school of those who carry the gene. In fact, that starts with sandpit bullying at a very early age. That is something we really have to consider.”

Genetic historians claim that the traffic warden gene can be traced all the way back to the French middle ages, and a village known as Les Enfoires, where inhabitants were shunned by the rest of society. According to local historical records, the inhabitants of Les Enfoires were “pencil-necked and pinch-nosed, with haletosis and a penchant for snooping on their neighbours”. Local historian Henri Sijemens said that life in 1300s Les Enfoires was “uncomfortable”, with a local militia intent on maintaining a clean society:

“They were really forced into a corner, and therefore forced to in-breed, simply because of their own behaviour,” said Sijemens. “They would impose fines on anyone caught sneezing in public, and woe betide anyone who dumped their toilet waste in the street. There are even records of mothers fining their own children after childbirth. They were quite happy to fine their own families, or even other members of the militia, and we thought that the gene had died out in the 1500s when everyone in the village was refusing to talk to each other. However, it seems some broke free, lay dormant for a couple of centuries and polluted the gene pool – potentially with the arrival of the Huguenots.”

“Many people think that the traffic warden gene is inherently French, but it’s definitely much more specific than that. It’s a special kind of French.”

Prospective parents, however, are hopeful that the breakthrough discovery can lead to a happier future for their children. Andrea and Charles Spittlehead from Shytte-on-Sea in Norfolk claim that they will “do anything” to prevent their offspring from becoming traffic wardens:

“We wouldn’t be able to live with ourselves if he turned out to be a traffic warden, and we’d turned down the possibility of doing something about it,” said Charles. “This discovery means we can take action before it’s too late.”