A spate of charitable acts in the kingdom of Satan has resulted in a crackdown from the Dark Lord himself. Satan yesterday pledged to do his utmost to bring to a halt this ‘worrying trend’.

Three more charitable acts were reported yesterday, bringing the total number of SBO’s (Social Behaviour Orders) to 50 over the month of May. Persistent offenders have been told that they face expulsion from Hell.

“Listen, we all like to muck around every now and again,” said the Dark Lord in an interview last night on ITV with best friend, Piers Morgan. “But there’s a fine line between having a bit of fun and being a do-gooder. Only yesterday, I had to intervene directly when one sinner tried to pull another out of the River Styx. What is the underworld coming to? You fall in the River Styx, you stay in the River Styx. That’s the way it’s been for tens of thousands of millenea, and all of a sudden, that changes?”

“You come to hell, you play by the rules. That’s the way it’s always been, and if I have to start enforcing the rules, then so be it.”

Having already established SBO’s, Satan has created the “Anti-Charitable Police Force”, with an aim to preventing charity before it arises. However, much of their work so far has been reactive rather than proactive. Head of the ACPF, Eugene Terreblanche, says that “we’re just going round stopping bastards from helping each other out. Only the other day, we found one man who has been lending money to ‘friends’. We beat him up, of course. And then we beat up the people who stopped by to ‘ask how he was’. We need to be tough on charity, but we need time to be tough on the causes of charity.”

Many in Hell believe that the lifting on immigration restrictions is the root cause of the rise in SBO’s being handed out. Charon, whose boat service on the River Styx is ‘creaking under the weight’, says “immigrants are coming here for the warm weather and jobs, but there aren’t any jobs no more, and I tell you what – warm weather gets a bit boring after a while. We need to tighten immigration quickly, otherwise people are going to carry on being nice to each other, and little by little, our very identity is going to get eroded.”