Rupert Murdoch has been ordered to put down Sky News presenter Kay Burley in accordance with the Dangerous Newsreaders Act of 1991. The Australian-born media mogul was allegedly in tears as he was told that Burley was a danger to herself and others, and the only humane option was to put her down.

Burley has been involved in a series of incidents, culminating in yesterday’s savage attack on a young man demonstrating in the streets of London. Burley leapt on the young individual, baring her teeth and frothing at the mouth, yelling “die, leftie, die”, before being restrained by Adam Boulton.

“I’m devastated,” said Boulton, “she was Murdoch’s favourite pitbull, but before long, I suppose that someone is going to die. We all remember when she was just a young pup here at Sky. Butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. But then Rupert kept her in a cupboard overnight on a regular basis, and started bating her with left-wing rhetoric. It was only a matter of time before someone was attacked.”

Two months ago, Burley had to be restrained by four bodyguards after an interview with a six-year-old child suffering from leukaemia went “badly wrong”. Burley attacked the youth, screaming “where’s the proof? where’s the proof you cancer faking bitch?”. The child, visibly shaken, escaped with minor emotional scars, and veterinary surgeons took three hours to calm Burley down, using some of the heaviest sedatives available.

Murdoch was hauled before the Dangerous Newsreaders Commission last night and told in no uncertain terms that Burley must be put down immediately. However, the mogul appealed, claiming that she could not legitimately be defined as a newsreader. A spokesman for Murdoch said:

“We accept that Kay is a danger to herself and others, and that something has to be done. However, you cannot define her strictly as a newsreader, as newsreaders ‘read’ the ‘news’. At no point has Kay actually ‘read’ any ‘news’, as such, so what we’re proposing is that we put Kay back into training, or we ship her over to America where she would fit right into Fox News.”

However, Fox News insiders have reacted furiously to the idea that Kay Burley might escape being put down and join them. One, who wished to remain unknown, said: “Heck man, we’re as fascist as the next fascist, but this woman scares the crap out of us.”