Peter Poffles: A daring software upgrade to John Humphrys has been heralded a success by BBC bosses. The upgrade quashes rumours that the Today programme’s analogue presenter faced obsolescence following incompatibility issues with digital technology in the BBC newsroom.

A beta version of the new John Humphrys software was run in secret just after the general election. Tests proved so successful that John Humphrys 2.0 has now gone live, six weeks ahead of schedule.

John Humphrys 2.0 addresses various bugs, including the conversation sequencing problem that caused the presenter to interrupt interviewees repeatedly and for no apparent reason. It has also removed the involuntary Humphrys tut upon hearing the words ‘Twitter’ and ‘Facebook’.

The new software is still more clunky than the program run on the Twitter-compatible Evan Davies platform. However, John Humphrys 2.0 is now quicker than James Naughtie 2.1.8, which is scheduled for a patch update to fix the overly long question bug and purple prose issue.

Listeners to the Today programme are said to have noticed the mellower attitude of Humphrys 2.0. BBC IT boss Rom MacReboot said: “The old Humphrys tended to overheat quite quickly, so his interviewing technique tended to generate more heat than light. Now, with the installation of LEDs and revised software, his heat-light balance has been recalibrated.”

Humphrys’ lexicon has also been updated to include common management phrases such as ‘going forward’ and ‘stakeholder’. As a result, he no longer has to bark “But what does that mean?” when business leaders use irritating but well-known workplace phrases. Despite this, Humphrys 2.0 still finds the advanced management-speak of BBC director general Mark Thompson “baffling and impenetrable”. The digital Justin World-Wide-Webb platform has been reprogrammed to decode Thompson’s comments for Humphrys – and the world generally.

One other glitch remains, said Rom MacReboot:  “The John Humphrys platform is still unable to support a mobile phone interface. So his mobile communication needs will continue to be met by a loud hailer and, in quiet carriages, semaphore. But John Humphrys is a very robust platform – they don’t build them like that any more – and we’re pleased the upgrade has extended this analogue platform’s working capability further into the digital 24-hour news age.”

The Humphrys 2.0 upgrade was carried out using techniques pioneered by the IT team that supported HRH The Queen Mother, whose platform was finally dismantled after her catalogue B leaf tree nodes suffered a fatal gin spillage.

John Humphrys’ real first name is Desmond. He is 112.