The Lord has seized control of the United Kingdom, saying that even he has had enough of “all this indecision bollocks”. In an unprecedented move, the CEO of Christianity declared interim leadership of the UK, saying “you can have it back when you’ve sorted yourselves out”.

Analysts are already worried that the Lord will use his temporary period in charge to rush through a number of pro-Christian measures, from compulsory bible reading in schools and workplaces, through to an all-out war on Islam. However, interim Chancellor, Archangel Gabriel, sought to reassure voters that everything would be ‘as normal’, and that people “should be bloody grateful”.

He continued: “Actually, we ran this country for years until you discovered democracy, and technically, the Queen reports to us anyway. If you look at any wealth and happiness index from back then, compare it to now, you’ll see we were doing a much better job. I’m confident that in the years to come, this interregnum will be seen as one of the most positive, fulfilling periods in British history.”

The markets, however, have reacted unfavourably, with the pound dropping against the loaf of bread and trading floors panicking over rumours that God plans to replace the pound with ‘a system of trust and compassion’. Trader Marcus Rawdeal said that God has repeatedly failed to deliver in the past, and doesn’t see it being any different this time round:

“Where’s he been for 2000 years? I mean, despite repeated pleas, he hasn’t shown his face for ages. And frankly, can you trust a man who turns a blind eye to famine in Ethiopia and oil slicks and wotnot, and then says ‘oh hang on, I think I’ll have a go at running the British economy’.. sorry, it doesn’t work with me, and it doesn’t work with the markets. He’s going to have to work miracles to turn this one around.”

God’s manifesto, however, received the backing of Archbishop Oswald Punchbag, who declared it a “victory for religious maniacs all over the UK”, adding “none of the main political parties has ever had the forethought to punish adultery by stoning, and I don’t see either Labour or the Conservatives replacing libel laws with a system of ‘turning the other cheek’. Perhaps the Liberals would, so there might be room for a coalition there. Personally, I’m overjoyed that God is proposing a great flood in run-down council estates. That way we really can purge this country of irreligious filth.”

One potential roadblock to God’s seizing of control would be the Dark Lord Satan, who has already declared that he could form a minority interim government by offering sweeteners to Nationalists who he says “would sell their souls for nationhood”.