Some have called it ‘a fitting gesture’. Others have called it ‘a bit stupid’, and have accused the Chancellor of ‘not going far enough’. George Osborne’s pledge to cut himself, however, has certainly got people talking.

In a move to demonstrate that he is not immune to cuts, Osborne has promised voters that he will cut himself in several places with a razor blade. The Chancellor has pledged to use a Bic disposable blade in order to optimise the number of cuts, but senior figures within the opposition are disappointed.

David Blunkett said “A lot of us use Bic disposable blades, and yes, we all get cut every now and again. George’s gesture is nothing more than a gesture. While he’s cutting jobs of 300,000 people, a few nicks here and there won’t compensate. We expect him, at the very least, to carve out his name on his arm and shed at least a pint of blood.”

Osborne will commence the cuts tomorrow morning with what he labels a “slash and burn” approach to shaving. He will use the most basic shaving foam on the market, bought for 60p from Wilkinson’s, and will not even moisten his face beforehand, so as to maximise friction.

“It will be ugly,” he promised. “It will be painful, it will not please my wife, and I will be using some bits of tissue to cover up the bleeding. And, as a final gesture towards those 300,000 people who will be losing their jobs, I will be splashing my face afterwards not with aftershave, but with vodka.”

Senior Tories have lauded the move, with Liam Fox slurring into a microphone “this is f-cking fantastic,” before slumping into a corner. Theresa May has offered to shave Osborne’s back, a move that raised eyebrows, but was eventually turned down by Osborne, who said “that may be going too far.”