The Britannia National Party has pledged 2 gold coins for every Angle, Jute and Saxon who has invaded England, to go back “from whence they came”. The BNP says that “this country is full” and that every non-indigenous immigrant should pack their bags.

The BNP’s record at elections has been poor. Since the Saxon invasion, their share of the vote has reduced dramatically, and their latest manifesto has been labelled “ridiculous” by King Alfred himself, who refuses to share power with them.

King Alfred commented that “these people are just cranks. Since the Romans buggered off and left us, they’ve been blathering on about indigenous peoples, Celts and Picts and all that crap – but at the end of the day, these Saxons, Angles and Jutes, and all the others, they’re not doing such a bad job. They work hard, they rape and pillage hard, they like a pint of mead in the evening just like any chap. As far as I’m concerned, our levels of immigration are just fine and there’s no need for another cranky policy. What’s more – we don’t even have a system of democracy yet, so what’s the point of having a political party? Nutters.”

Britain’s immigration policy consists mainly of being invaded by Germans and Scandinavians, based a long-term mutual understanding that as long as they defeat the indigenous people in a fight, they’re allowed to stay, steal our houses, steal our jobs and sleep with our women.

Saxon invader Harold, aged 24, said that he “loves it” here in England, and that despite the bad weather, he’s sticking around: “We came here for the violence, really. There aren’t many violence opportunities back in Germany, so we all came over – me, my family, our neighbours, everyone, really – and we got jobs raping and pillaging, with a bit of moonlighting, torching Celtic houses. Of course, we decided to settle down in the end, so we got ourselves a mud hut just outside Norwich.”

The BNP, however, want to see a total expulsion of Saxony Harolds and his ilk. Leader Nickholas Gariffinne belched: “Yes, I see the irony that the country is named after one of the invaders, but these people have to go. I mean, where does this mass immigration stop? Next thing you know, we’ll be letting the bloody French in. So that’s why we’re offering every foreigner 2 gold coins to just get on the next longboat out of here and never come back.”