The Liberal Democrats have extracted a major concession from the Conservatives which involves the party drastically reducing its William Hague footprint. The Conservatives are the largest single contributors to the country’s William Hague footprint, which has infuriated environmentalists.

“Everywhere they go, they emit horrible amounts of William Hague,” said Tendrous Bullmoore from the Hague Reduction Committee, West Yorkshire. “We have repeatedly informed them of the damage they are doing not only to the environment, but to the greater morale of the country, by emitting such high levels of William Hague. We predict that if no action is taken, then within five years, the whole of West Yorkshire will have slashed its wrists in anguish.”

“That’s obviously not somewhere we want to go,” he mused. “It’s not much to ask. Just reduce our exposure to Hague, and the children of this planet would be so much better off.”

The committee has published a report on the harmful effects of too much exposure to the new Foreign Secretary, quoting scientific research that “just five minutes listening to William Hague can turn a man from a sane, reasonable man into a euro-fearing Daily Mail reader”, going on to link Hague to rising sea levels and carbon dioxide emissions. Indeed, they go on to warn that unless Hague emissions are reduced by 60% before 2020, Britain may be completely flooded and depressed.

Experts believe, however, that the Conservatives have given William Hague the Foreign Secretary brief solely to reduce their Hague footprint in the UK. Afghanistani counterpart Jalal al-Haig said that he was willing to meet with Mr Hague, but “only for a short time”, as the country has a strict policy on Hague emissions: “Send him to China,” he insisted. “They’ll take any kind of environmental disaster you can to wreak upon them, but not on the country of Afghanistan. We can cope with war. We can cope with drugs. But we can’t cope with your massive William Hague footprint.”