Soon not-to-be PM Gordon Brown has demanded an inquiry into problems at Vodafone after what appeared to be ‘network problems’ occurred all throughout the weekend, meaning Brown received no phone calls whatsoever. Indeed, Brown says the problems started on Friday morning, and have since not been resolved.

“I simply cannot believe that in this day and age,” he muttered, “nothing can be done about what is clearly a network problem. These are important times, and if my network is down – despite assurances to the contrary – I can’t receive phone calls. I mean, the least I was expecting was a call from Mandy, but nothing. Not a peep, as clearly, nobody can get through. Even now I’ve resigned – nothing. It’s really annoying me now.”

“Let me put it like this. Either Vodafone sort out the problems on my line immediately, or I’ll be writing a strongly worded letter. I’ll even mention it to Betty Windsor when I go and see her later in the week. I mean, she hasn’t even been able to get through either, and I bet you she’s been frantic.”

Sources close to Brown have revealed his “spitting fury” at the network problems. The temporary Prime Minister apparently checked his mobile phone for messages every 30 seconds on Saturday, and at one point launched the mobile against the wall. However, as it was an old make of Nokia, the mobile bounced back and remained entirely intact. In fact, to all intents and purposes, the phone has been working better than ever since the ‘bounce’ incident.

Brown’s Facebook status has simply been changed to “… is still waiting for this bloody network to sort itself out”, and he has only tweeted three times since the election.

A close friend of Brown said “he couldn’t bear it, so on Sunday, he went round to Alistair’s, knocked on the door and the maid came out – said that Alistair had gone to play with some other friends in Brussels and wouldn’t be back until some time in the week. He skulked off with his hands in his pockets, kicking stones and muttering something about his playstation. He spent most of Sunday evening listening to chamber music in his bedroom at full volume.”