Gordon Brown is seeking to resign as Prime Minister, but even the Queen does not want to talk to him, and has told sources at Buckingham Palace that “if that Scotsman calls, tell him I’m in Kenya or something. Anything so long as I don’t have to talk to him.” The monarch has even turned her mobile phone off, and has been avoiding the news for days.

Gordon Brown, who has been trying to get through to Mrs Windsor since 9 this morning, wants to resign from politics altogether and live as a hermit in Scotland, but first has to jump through the constitutional hoop that is talking to the Queen. However, this task is proving difficult, as Labour officials try desperately to grab the attention of someone in Buckingham Palace.

A source close to the Queen said: “Actually, since Thursday she’s been watching box sets of Friends and 24, and she’s not even watched the news. Phillip said something this morning about that surly sour-faced Jock wanting to quit, and she put her hands over her ears, went ‘la la la la la’ and ran out of the room. Frankly, she just doesn’t want to know – constitution or no constitution.”

Early attempts to contact the Queen last week were met with the monarch faking a bad line, allegedly saying “what? shhhhhhhhh it’s shhhhhhhh bad line shhhhhh” before turning the phone off. We understand that even if David Cameron comes to an agreement with the Liberal Democrats, the Queen is unlikely to turn her mobile on or answer any calls on the landline.

However, the Tories have drawn up plans to ‘poke’ the monarch on Facebook, and update their statuses to “looking for Betty Windsor”. Failing that, they are believed to have asked Nigel Farage to fly a light air craft past her bedroom window with a banner saying “Wake up Betty, we need you”. However, the Queen has closed all curtains, and has not updated her Facebook page since early last week when she updated her own status to “rather fancy that Nicholas Clegg lol”.