Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
The Icelandic government has officially launched its volcanic “Ash For Gold” scheme. Prime Minister Greta Gretasdottir told reporters that “finally, people can exchange their unwanted gold for Icelandic volcanic ash!”
A middle class family has been forced to apologise to neighbours and fellow middle class families around the country for shopping in Aldi at the weekend. The Rutherford-Hythe family were spotted coming out of the budget supermarket with a cut-price lobster and a £3 bottle of Prosecco, as well as a number of vegetable items.
The UK’s idiots are up in arms after a report published today revealed that they are increasingly being left behind in the race for university places. Fools, dimwits and plonkers are among those groups “most unlikely” to make it to one of the UK’s top universities.
Peter Poffles: A daring software upgrade to John Humphrys has been heralded a success by BBC bosses. The upgrade quashes rumours that the Today programme’s analogue presenter faced obsolescence following incompatibility issues with digital technology in the BBC newsroom.
The British National Party has officially endorsed Sex and the City 2, the new film featuring Sarah Jessica Parker and her friends, which is set partly in Abu Dhabi. Members of the BNP apparently “laughed raucously” throughout the film, declaring it to be a “rip-roaring success” with “messages we can all learn from”.
A spate of charitable acts in the kingdom of Satan has resulted in a crackdown from the Dark Lord himself. Satan yesterday pledged to do his utmost to bring to a halt this ‘worrying trend’.
Some have called it ‘a fitting gesture’. Others have called it ‘a bit stupid’, and have accused the Chancellor of ‘not going far enough’. George Osborne’s pledge to cut himself, however, has certainly got people talking.
An exasperated Prince Andrew has revealed that despite lowering his prices, he has had “no takers” for his ex-wife. Sarah Ferguson, known to the world as ‘Stupid Ginger’, is available at £2.50 plus a bag of sweets, yet remains on the market.
Work on the giant Hadron Collider ceased for two hours yesterday after an eagle-eyed researcher spotted a spelling mistake that sent fellow scientists into uncontrollable laughter.
Feeling sick? And it wasn’t your fault? Now you can claim, claim, claim! Here at ColdLawyers4u.biz, we help you get the money you deserve, if you’ve been affected by:
William Hague admits YMCA stay ill-judged
BBC Breakfast viewer in critical condition
Tour operator Bazzo’s Holidays 4 U collapses, leaves holidaymakers stranded
Dirty Stones have no complaints over Naomi Campbell gift
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
