Millions of Britons have endured their first weekend in their own country for months, with many claiming that they have been “driven mad” by the total absence of cheap flights and lack of short break activities. The continuing volcanic ash forced frequent travellers to experience Britain first-hand.

“It was awful”, said Jemima Puddleshit, from Ascot, Berkshire. “Jeremy and I go away every weekend – and we were meant to be in Rome, sipping espresso on the piazza. Instead, we had to stay here – in Britain – yeuch! It was our first weekend here for three years, and I had no idea how grotty it was! All of those people in caps, drinking beer from cans on street corners. You wouldn’t find that in Barcelona, now, would you?”

“I can’t wait for this ash to clear so I can resume going away all the time,” she moaned.

Hugh Hawhaw-Smith from Surrey said that he had never experienced England on a Saturday, saying that it was “some kind of grim”. He continued: “you can’t get a decent half of frothy beer anywhere – it’s all pint glasses, and nobody accepts the euro! How are we meant to survive?”

“The minute this ash clears up, I’m outta here on the first cheap flight I can find. Anywhere. Even Ireland, I don’t care… so long as I don’t have to spend another weekend in Britain.”

Some, however, have seized the opportunity to enjoy a taste of Britain for the first time. Windsor resident and travel blogger Quentin Petersfield-Disaster wrote in his blog, Always there, never here:

“I stepped outside my door and inhaled the fresh British air, and then supped espresso at this quaint little cafe they call ‘Nero’. The Brits are a charming bunch, and the local tipple is something called ‘lager’, which is served in large pint glasses. Travel tip: don’t ask for a martini in a pub!!!”

Gordon Brown, in the meantime, has pledged to bring home Britain’s warcraft in an attempt to revive the short-break culture, saying: “It is our duty, as British citizens, to go abroad every weekend for a few pence. That is why, as of today, I pledge to bring home our warcraft so that we can ship people out for the coming weekend. I will also deploy a giant hoover above the clouds, to suck up all of this volcanic ash that is depriving us of our right to go abroad all the time.”