Slutty popstar Madonna has voiced her concerns over the way her daughter dresses, claiming that she should dress “more conservatively”. Speaking to reporters wearing a sequin-studded bikini and knee-high boots, the quintagenarian said that she had “no idea” why her daughter dressed so sluttily, but that she was resolved to make Lourdes see sense.

“It’s disgusting,” said Madonna, stroking her dildo suggestively while winking at the female reporters. “I’ve tried to bring her up in a conservative environment, sheltered from the ills of the world and anything that could turn her pure head. I only let her watch MTV for 10 hours a day at most, and I make sure that she only visits lap-dancing clubs on special occasions, such as Tuesdays. As a parent, you have certain responsibilities, and mine include shielding Lourdes from some of the more salacious elements of society. But what happens? She goes out with next to nothing on!”

“Only last week, she left the house wearing a short skirt. All of the boys will be looking at her thinking that they’re going to get lucky,” she moaned, toying with her nipples and thrusting them towards the reporters. “You try, as a parent, to set an example. I just don’t know what to do with her,” she mused while simulating doggy sex on an armchair. “I should have sent her to boarding school.”

Madonna is set to launch a campaign to encourage young girls to wear more clothes in public and behave more conservatively. She will also release a single called “Don’t forget your knickers, girl”, with a video in which a semi-naked Madonna cavorts with ripple-chested hunks before ticking off the nation’s female youth with the lyrics:

“you don’t got to dress like a ho-ho,

they way you dress it makes me say no-no,

I ain’t going to let you use my dil-do,

don’t forget your knickers, girl, don’t forget your knickers.”

The song then buildings into a rousing chorus of “oooh take me big boy, oooh take me big boy, I really want it yeah, I really want it yeah.”

“For me, it’s a really strong message,” she continued, while provocatively unsheathing, sucking, and eating a banana. “I just want girls around the world to basically cover themselves up and stop behaving like tarts. I’ll also be releasing a range of clothing, including a see-through burqa. I think it’ll go down really well,” she added, putting a rather strange, chilling emphasis on the words “go down”.