Cheapo airline Ryanair has caused a storm once more with news that it intends to compensate passengers stranded in Europe due to the volcanic ash cloud, with “a hearty handshake”.

Tight bastard Michael O’Leary said “they’ll be getting fuck all from me, other than a hearty handshake, a slap on the back, and a ‘top of the morning to you’. After that, they’re on their own. If they choose to stay in expensive hotels while we can’t take them home, that’s their choice. Myself, I slept in a field and ate off the land.”

O’Leary, who claims he was stranded in the south of France, claims to have ‘gone native’, sleeping underneath the stars and killing local children for his supper. Locals claim to have seen a graying Irishman running naked between the trees.

“I did it – so they can do it – and I’m not giving them a fucking penny. You see these bastards that get on my planes, they think they bloody own them. These assholes who ate in restaurants and got all swanky – it’s not my bloody fault.”

Ryanair passengers somehow appeared shocked that they were not going to be reimbursed for their enforced stay. Regular Ryanair jet-setter Shirley Offaltastic said “it’s disgusting. The least I expect is that they reimburse my hotel but when I got on the flight, the crew told me to go shit myself a new head. Now, I know they’re budget and all that, but doubling the price of drinks on the flight? That’s unfair.”

Another Ryanair passenger, Chris Tumor from Yorkshire, said that he was left stranded in Italy for over a week, and didn’t even receive his “hearty handshake”:

“That’s the least I expected – but when I got on the flight, they pushed me to the ground, ripped my wallet out of my inside pocket, rifled through it and took everything out. The head of the ‘crew gang’ then threw my empty wallet back at me and laughed. Well – that’s standard Ryanair policy apparently.”

“I don’t know if I’ll fly Ryanair again. Well, maybe I will. Actually, yes, I will.”