Ian D Smith: An election-weary public received some good news last night as the record-breaking high cost of fuel has meant that the battle buses of all three major parties in the forthcoming UK general election have been suspended.

“This is a dark day for UK politics,” said the Labour election strategist Albert Tinker. “Petrol prices have been rising steadily over the past year and have now reached the inevitable record high. That means the election battle copter, the tank, the high speed launch and the double-decker bus we had planned have all had to go. We’re hoping that a bicycle will strike a note with young green voters, but the train is definitely out because we want to get there by May 6th 2010, not 2011.”

The Green Party, whose revolutionary gas-powered battle bus will be fuelled by wood gas from moustachioed eco-engineer Dick Strawbridge’s forest, are feeling particularly smug about developments.

“I’ve been preparing timber since January,” said Strawbridge. “I knew the fuel prices were going to soar. It’s an inevitable outcome of our fuel hungry lifestyle, but the Green Party have a significant advantage, and no, I won’t be giving anybody from the other parties a lift.”

“This is all mill to our grist,” he added with a metaphor that hardly anyone uses any more. “We will be out there promoting both our new transport policy as well as our new defence policy designed to stop nuclear weapons reaching Britain – to build a big hedge!”

David Cameron, who has been criticised for carrying a spare suit in his personal security vehicle, promised to go it alone on his election bicycle, and will only carry a spare pair of socks in his pocket which he hopes not to use.

The Liberal leader, Nick Clegg, in an effort to save paying the high fuel prices, had planned to host a week of open evenings in the run-up to May 6th, where he would have been available in his constituency for one-to-one consultation. There are still many slots available, and Clegg is concerned that the spiralling cost of fuel has stopped prospective voters taking the trouble to see him.

“I have a contingency plan that puts us way ahead of the others,” he said. “Party workers will be doubling-up with Tescos and Sainsbury delivery vehicles, and we’ll be targeting online shoppers with our policies, and their shopping. And, to make it more attractive, I’ll be naked. I’ll even pay people to come. Someone? Anyone?”

Labour also has a plan to double-up with Domino Pizza delivery scooters, and the Tories are going to be making full use of old-fashioned horse power.

Voters are delighted, especially in key election battlegrounds such as Shytte North, which has hovered between the three parties consistently over the last 50 years. Doris Bucketsham, who has voted in the last 15 general elections, said: “Oh thank God those Conservatives aren’t coming here. They leave a trail of oil behind them wherever they go and we spend weeks cleaning up after them. That David Willets – I mean – he’s only small – how can one man come up with so much grease? Disgusting. The only party I never notice is the Lib Dems, but I’m sure they come here at some point.”

The British general election is one of the highest CO2 producing elections in the world churning out the equivalent of ten coal fired power stations every four years. In terms of election leaflets alone it consumes several thousand square miles of rain forest, and by the year 2030 it will have contributed to a one per cent rise in global temperatures placing Westminster under a broad, shallow ocean. So it’s not all bad news.