Ian D Smith: The future of the Real IRA was thrown into turmoil last night when a new organisation, the Real Real IRA came forward and claimed that it really was the real real IRA. The news came on the day that the Real IRA announced that it too was renaming itself the Real Real Real IRA to stay one step ahead of its rivals.

Chief Constable Jack “Spratt” Baghum said that the announcement by the Real Real IRA was a cynical attempt to confuse him on his first day in the job.

“Talk about splinter groups,” he moaned. “I mean, there’s the Republican dissidents, then there’s the Proper Republican Dissidents, and the Actually We’re The Proper Republican Dissidents. Add to that the number of Real Real IRA breakaways, and you’ve got a right headache on your hands.”

“My hope is that many so-called Real Real IRA will be persuaded by their families and their communities to continue as just the Real IRA and to ignore others claiming to be the Real Real IRA. And don’t get me started on ETA, The Real ETA, Oi We’re ETA you Bastards and The Real Oi We’re ETA you Bastards.”

The statement by the Real Real Real IRA appears to have been timed to coincide with confusion over the spelling of Al Quaida, Al Quiada, Al Queda or Al Qeuda and the merging of Help the Aged with rival organisation Age Concern.

“Naming conventions have been thrown into disarray by recent events,” said Northern Ireland Secretary Shaun Van Morrison. “First we had Help the Aged, then there was Age Concern, and now there’s Age the Aged. We just don’t know where we are with these organisations.”