Senior researchers at the Murdoch Institute of Truth (MIT) have discovered that Nick Clegg eats babies in a satanic ritual as old as time itself. The Liberal Democrat leader, whose bounce in the polls is “nothing”, according to MIT, also runs grannies over in his car, and stuffs money up his own arse.

The research paper, entitled “Why Nick Clegg will kill Great Britain and Eat Your Children” has been endorsed by a number of leading thinkers, including Noel Edmonds and Gary Barlow.

Conservative leader David Cameron said that the research was “absolutely convincing”, and said that it was “further proof that Nick Clegg should just piss off back to nothingness where he was before last week. This man is a rich, baby-eating satanist who enjoys stuffing your hard-earned ten pounds notes up his own bum before he gets in a car that you, the hard-working tax-payer, have payed for, and runs your grandmother over. For fun. That’s what he does.”

“If you’re seriously thinking about voting Liberal Democrat,” mused the opportunistic leader, “then you have to remember this: Nick Clegg wants to turn this great country – your great country – into a European state in the grip of the Lord Beelzebub, and he will eat your babies.”

Gordon Brown, however, took a different tack, hoping to gain votes from siding with the Liberal Democratc, saying “I agree with Nick.” He continued: “Baby-eating is fine. I had five for breakfast today, and I’d even invited some of the great mums from Mumsnet along to watch.”

“In fact, I pledge now to the nation that I will make contact with Satan himself to set up a Financial Arse Institution. This Institution will introduce people to the pleasures of stuffing money up their posteriors. I will also encourage granny-killing not only as a pleasurable pastime, but as a part of the national curriculum.”

Head of the Murdoch Institute for Truth, Kevin McQhuntte, said that voters “wanted to know the truth” about Nick Clegg, adding that “people were hoodwinked last week – but the devil knows how to hoodwink people, and he taught his disciple well. Yes, Nick Clegg is an emissary of the Dark Lord, and yes, he will eat your children. Our research shows that he prefers slightly fatter children who have been raised on Tesco ready meals, as they come pre-salted. However, Vince Cable prefers to eat skinny children and he loves to spit out the bones, while belching ‘nice meal Nick’ at loud volume.”

“You can vote for these people if you want to, but everyone knows that only David Cameron leads a wholesome life.”