Michael Douglas is set to enter hospital next week for a revolutionary libido transplant. The 92-year-old actor, who is married to Welsh actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, is said to be “hopeful” that the transplant will give him a new lease of life in the bedroom.

Doctors at the Los Angeles Institute for Randy Males (LAIR) say that the first-of-its-kind operation only has a 50% chance of success. The libido of a 19-year-old boy will be transplanted into Michael Douglas’s body tomorrow afternoon, and surgeons are praying that the body will accept it.

“Basically,” said Doctor Lechworth, “we’re looking at a 50-50 type situation here. The libido can be extracted from the 19-year-old boy, leaving him with a zero percent chance of having any kind of mojo whatsoever for the rest of his life, and inserted into Douglas’s groinal area. From that point onwards, we’re entering unknown territory and we hope the Gods are with us. We have absolutely no idea if the operation is going to work or not – we’ve never done it before – but hey, if it does, we expect the queues to stretch around the block.”

Douglas appreciates the risks, and the possible side-effects that result from a libido transplant. Doctors have warned him that his body may reject the libido entirely, leaving him in a drooling, near-comatose state for weeks. Alternatively, the boy’s libido may stimulate what is left of Douglas’s own libido, effectively leaving him with a double mojo effect that surgeons claim could be “disastrous”.

“The double mojo is something that we’re all hoping to avoid. The results could be catastrophic. In theory, Michael could go rampant, developing a sex drive that is beyond anything we have seen, even in Italy. We’ve advised the police of this potentially dangerous situation and they have promised us that in the case of a double mojo event happening, they will dedicate extra resource to restraining Douglas.”

The 19-year-old boy whose libido will enter Michael Douglas tomorrow is 98-kilo fat-boy Connor Scabric, from San Diego. Connor says that he is “delighted” that his libido will be helping Michael Douglas to have at least one final poke at Zeta-Jones, saying “I’d have no chance doing it on my own.” He continued: “So long as my libido remains within me, it’s wasted, basically. I do get this twitching feeling down there, but I have no idea what it looks like, or what it’s capable of. Heck, man, I like the ladies, but I’ve got to accept that I ain’t going to get it on with Zeta-Jones unless I donate my libido to someone who can.”

Scabric’s parents are delighted with their son’s lifestyle choice. Father Caleb says “the good Lord meant for Michael Douglas to have my son’s libido. And there’s plenty of it. Only last week we discovered some dirty magazines hidden under his bed, and we did ask Connor if he wanted just a partial libido transplant – he said no, he was happy to donate the full libido.”

“To think that Michael Douglas is finally going to be able to get it back on with Zeta-Jones, well… we’re so happy we’re able to help.”