Teachers are claiming victory thanks to Jamie Oliver’s new school meals, which have improved adjective usage among children. Since introducing the healthy meals at schools, not only are children getting off their over-sized arses, they are using 45% more adjectives, and 21% more adverbs.

“This has been a real blessing,” admitted head teacher Frederick von Bottomley. “I mean, yes, there’s the health thing, but we’ve been trying to get kids to use their adjectives for years, and nothing had happened. And then along comes Saint Jamie of Oliver – and hey presto, it’s adjective upon compound adjective upon adverb… it’s magnificent. From ‘lovingly hand-roasted’ parsnips to ’sweet, crunchy, oven-baked crisps’, our childrens’ adjectives have improved enormously.”

Oliver’s school meals are literally dripping with adjectival and adverbal juices, including “Jamie’s woodchip-smoked pigeon with lightly crushed maris piper potatoes, scattered with finely chopped, hand-picked chives”, and “Jamie’s hand-churned ice cream with lovingly drizzled home-made raspberry coulis and home-baked wafers.”

Von Bottomley continued: “This has extended into the classroom. Whereas before, teachers were struggling to get a sentence out of some kids, they’re getting stuff like ‘home-prepared answers to lovingly-set questions’ instead of homework, and ‘eagerly awaited and anticipated end of the day’ instead of home time. I have to say, I’m absolutely delighted, and none of this would have happened with Turkey Twizzlers.”

13-year-old Hugo Jukes said that he doesn’t understand what everyone’s on about, but he “really does love Jamie’s sparkling, magnificent food,” adding that “I never did like those factory-made Turkey Twizzlers, and since Jamie came, we’ve had gorgeously hand-served meals on delightfully hand-cleaned plates. All this talk about overly used compound adjectives makes no sense to me, I’m just glad that my fantastically prepared teacher comes into our hand-painted classroom every morning with plenty of great new stuff to teach us.”

Grammarians have warned, however, that over-usage of compound adjectives can lead to alienation and, at worst, depression. Benjamin Overheated from the Adjectival Institute of Oxfordshire said that “it’s fine to toy with adjectives at a young age – and to throw in some adverbs, create compounds – yes, it’s fun, it’s enjoyable, it’s risky. But what happens when the adjectives no longer make sense? What happens when there’s no need for a compound adjective? It’s OK for Jamie Oliver to play around with these difficult grammatical constructs, but youngsters should know the risks. We’ve already had several cases of people under 18 who have stumbled over the wrong adjectives, and have needed therapy.”