Peter Poffles: The Daily Shame can exclusively reveal that the general election will be determined by a horse race and not by voters in polling stations. Our source at the Electoral Commission confirmed that just three horses will be allowed to compete in the election race on 6 May.

The last-minute decision to switch to a horse race was taken by current prime minister Gordon Brown after Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg proved more popular than sliced bread in a phone vote.

However, Brown is trying to divert attention away from rivals and towards the economy. Labour minister and manifesto architect Millie Headband said: “The economy is safe in our hands. We will be forcing bookmakers to pay all of their profits from the election race to the government. This money will be ring-fenced it to buy Greece and provide free holidays there for hard-working British families.”

Rules for the three-horse race are still being finalised but only the three main parties will be allowed to enter. The winner will be determined on a first-past-the-post basis. This has disappointed Liberal Democrats, who wanted an element of proportionality in the outcome. UKIP are reported to be furious at the decision to make it a three-horse race, claiming that Nigel Farage could have easily taken part, as he is half-horse himself on his mother’s side.

Lib Dem spokesman Lemsip Cableknit said: “We wanted the number of bets placed on each horse to be taken into account. As it stands, one horse can win despite gaining only a small proportion of the betting. That is patently unfair.”

SNP leader Alice Salmontickler is furious at being left out of the race: “Limiting the race to only three horses is an outrageous injustice typical of this London-centric policital system. We have perfectly good horses in Scotland. They keep leaving me out of everything and it just makes me want to cry.”

The Green Party has expressed disappointment at being left out of the running but has welcomed the radical move. Its leader, Carrie Online-Ludicrous, said: “We applaud putting sustainable transportation like horse riding centre stage. This race will have a lower carbon footprint than millions of voters travelling to polling booths, too.”

Conservatives have criticised the move to a three-horse race for not going far enough. “This is typical of the half-baked, opportunistic proposals we have come to expect from this government,” said Alexander St John  Spigginbottom, an aide to David Cameron. “Under a Conservative government, I can guarantee that future elections will be decided not by three horses, but lots of horses and lots of hounds pursuing whoever is the Lib Dem leader at the time.”