The Greek government has acted quickly to solve its debt crisis by announcing a National Debt Denial Scheme. The scheme has been designed by leading Greek economists, and will be implemented over the next month, with a target of 100% denial by the end of the year.

“Our only option,” stated Greek finance minister Stavros Hopakopalopakins, “is to bury our heads in the sand and deny everything, especially to ourselves and our new German landlords. Therefore, as part of the NDDS, we are encouraging a bank statement amnesty. Each Greek village, town and city will have a NDDS shredding centre where all evidence of debts – credit card statements, letters from bailiffs, etc., can be shredded and immediately denied.”

“For the sake of future generations, we must close our eyes, put our collective hands over our collective ears, and deny everything, so that when the Germans do come knocking, not a single Greek remembers owing them a penny.”

The National Debt Denial Scheme Committee has issued a pamphlet advising Greeks on how to deny all knowledge of debts, including tips on how to convince a bailiff that you are someone else, and top phrases in German, such as “ich habe keine ahnung, ich bin ein holidaymaker” (I have no idea, I am a holidaymaker). Billboards have been posted all over Athens telling people not to mention the debt in front of Germans, and to pretend as if nothing has happened.

Greek economist Spiros Notalotahopealous said that he had “no idea” about Greece’s debts, saying “as far as I know, everything’s a bed of roses. Fine and dandy. Nothing to see here, so why don’t you move on? Look at Spain – they’re shafted – why don’t you go after them? We haven’t got a penny of debt, in fact, we’re buying a new laptop next week, and that’s not even with a credit card. It’s a band new one, too. Just go away, will you?”

The NDDS also proposes moving from the euro back to a system of bartering, saying “if we completely deny the usage of the European currency, they can’t get us for it.” Hopakopalopakins added: “we’ve never used the euro here in Greece. Never. Yeah, sure, foreigners come here and use it, but internally, we’ve always bartered with pigs, geese, grains of rice and feta cheese. So to think that any Greek person has spent, handled or borrowed a single euro, you’d have to be barking.”