A furious Gordon Brown has layed into his female colleagues for not falling pregnant in time for the election. Shocked female MPs were left speechless by a foul-mouthed tirade from the Prime Minister, who allegedly told them to “get up the duff double quick or f-ck off out of my sight.”

The Prime Minister is reportedly furious that Samantha Cameron has stolen a march on his party by timing her pregnancy to perfection. A source close to Gordon Brown said that he was “fuming” that no Labour MPs even thought of getting pregnant, and he called in all “impregnable” Labour MPs for the hairdryer treatment.

“You lazy good-for-nothing bints,” he screamed. “I’m going to lose the election because you selfish tarts can’t be bothered to have a baby to save my skin. Caroline Flint recoiled in disgust as Brown made strange thrusting groinal movements in a sarcastic attempt to demonstrate how the baby-making act takes place, telling sources afterwards that: “it was creepy more than scary”. She continued: “he singled me out because apparently I should be dropping babies left right and centre.”

Glenda Jackson dared to tell the Prime Minister that she was no longer of an age to have children, only to have the PM turn on her, screaming “Well have a f-cking granddaughter or something. Anything. Jesus!”

Brown’s attempts to mimic the Cameron campaign have all ended in failure. Last week, the PM informed reporters that he was “going out for a jog”, only for Brown to reach the end of Downing Street, complain of a stitch, and call for a cab to get back home.