God today launched a glitzy marketing campaign to rebrand the humble, yet unpopular Brussel Sprout as the “Fun Sprout”. The campaign, managed by advertising agency Saatchi and Saatchi, will involve a number of miracles and visions taking place in holy locations, as well as some more straightforward magazine and TV advertising.

“When I created the Brussel Sprout,” said God, “I had no idea that it would be associated with Belgium or the European Union, or anything else boring, in fact. I’ve always seen it as one of the tastiest, most fun and vibrant of all the sprouts – if not all the vegetables. Damnit, I eat them every day, why can’t everyone else?”

The campaign will start next week with a spectacular launch party in Jerusalem, which God still considers “his”. He explains: “Oh, it’s my old haunt, I used to love it there. So I thought it would be a great place to re-launch the Fun Sprout. I’m planning a quite spectacular miracle, and I’ve had to enlist the help of veteran magician Paul Daniels for this one. Basically, you’ll love this, it’ll start raining Fun Sprouts. Brilliant eh? It’ll last five minutes – which is costing me about half of this year’s crop, but it’s going to be worth it.”

Further miracles include a golden Fun Sprout, which will appear in week two of the campaign somewhere near Damascus, and God is hoping that a number of “Fun Sprout Disciples” will spread the message and increase Fun Sprout uptake throughout the world.

God’s son, however, still refuses to eat his sprouts, saying “Dad’s banging on about them all day, but only because he grows so many of them. They give him wind, too – it’s disgusting sitting at the dinner table with him. When I went down there a couple of thousand years ago, he wanted me to sell his Sprouts at the local market but nobody would have them. But hey, it’s his hobby and his passion, so who am I to tell Him what to do.”

God’s track record in marketing, however, has not been good, especially since his attempt to rebrand beetroot as an alternative to chocolate in the 1300s. “People believed almost everything I said back then,” he mused, “but I cocked that one up.”