In an unprecedented situation, all three leaders have been declared winners of Thursday night’s election debate. The move comes as part of Labour’s initiative to extend the classroom “everyone’s a winner” attitude into politics.

“I think it’s safe to say that all three of us have won tonight,” said Gordon Brown, smiling like a lunatic. “There are no losers here today. We’re all winners, and we all did really well. In fact, after the show, I made sure that Nick, David and myself all received equal prizes of equal size and value, so that nobody feels under-appreciated or under-valued.”

“I also made sure that I shook hands with both of them for an equal amount of time so that not only is it fair, but everyone feels like a winner.”

Most experts agree that Gordon Brown actually lost the debate, having forgotten his microphone was on at one point and mumbling “you’re all c-nts” to the audience.

Most experts thought that his opening line: “This is a hard job, and yes, I know I’m a twat,” was inappropriate. A visibly grumpy Brown continued to murmur to himself, insulting members of the audience for their bad hair or ugly faces. David Cameron, however, was seen making faces at Nick Clegg, while the Liberal Democrat leader was automatically deducted 20 points by the Murdoch Institute for Truth.

David Dimbleby offered a goodie bag to each leader, and ensured that each goodie bag had an equal number of sweets in them.

“They’re all winners,” he beamed. “Except, perhaps for Gordon. He was shit again. I just wanted to ensure that Gordon didn’t feel too bad about looking stupid. It’s just a shame that we can’t do the same for him next week.”