French pride has been restored as a survey revealed that the French are better binge drinkers than the English. The survey, which follows hot on the heels of a previous survey which revealed the English as spending more time in the kitchen, shows that the French not only binge drink more, but they are higher quality binge drinkers.

Jean Aperitif, a renowned French binge drinker, said “you English, you just throw the same lager down your throats as if you’re going to die tomorrow. What’s the point? Here in France, we vary our binge drinks – for example, myself, I start with a pastis in the morning, and follow that up with a couple of beers in the early afternoon. I then move on to white, rose, and then red wine – always in that order.”

“In fact, I make sure that I start off with a light Loire red before moving on to the stronger stuff – Burgundy and then Bordeaux. Perhaps a Languedoc. Do you know what these wines are? Of course not, you’re English and all you drink is alcoholic fruit juice from Australia. No class.”

Nicola Vommerton, 24, from Newcastle, disagreed vehemently with the results of the survey, exclaiming: “We is well better than them French at binge drinking – waheeeeey”, before vomiting into a dustbin. Picking up her skirt, she continued: “I has varied my drinking today, right – with a bottle of gin and a bottle of vodka, even before I went out on the town with my mates.”

She insisted: “Any Froggie who wants to proper binge drink, all they has to do is come up here and we’ll teach them a thing or two about proper binge drinking innit.”

French sociologists have been reluctant to portray binge drinking as a trend, stating that “nothing has changed. We’ve always drunk this much. What has changed is that you Brits have lost that binge drinking edge that you used to have back in the days of Oliver Reed, George Best and the Rolling Stones. Today’s modern British binge drinker has far too much focus on cheap, rubbishy lager.”

Gordon Brown called on Britain’s army of binge drinkers to keep fuelling the drinks industry, saying “it is our patriotic duty to turn around the results of this survey. I will be creating a new Binge Drinking Tsar to ensure that not only is our level of binge drinking maintained, but that the quality of our binge drinking is guaranteed.”