Mike Cassidy: In a shock announcement today, Jesus Christ, leader of over 150 million Catholic followers announced that he was leaving the Catholic Church. A press release, issued through his representative on Earth, Max Clifford, cited his reasons as “artistic differences”. Christ said “I’ve had my doubts about Catholicism for some time and hoped that just getting my head down and getting on with the work would allow things to settle down.

“I’ve been unhappy with some of the recent line up changes within the church in the past couple of years and I no longer feel that my contribution is being taken seriously. It’s been a hard decision to make and I truly feel for the fans, but at the end of the day, which of course I gavest, you have to go where your heart takes you. There’s also the kiddy fondling stuff. I’m not down with that.”

Early reaction from the Vatican has been scathing. “Holy” Joe Ratzinger, Christ’s manager and image consultant today said “this is not exactly unexpected. Jesus has this idea that its all about him. He doesn’t have a Scooby about what goes into the promotion of a current and relevant deity. He has no idea of what it takes to promote a monotheistic, tri-representational, non-interventionist presence in this modern world of Youtube and suicide bombers for Allah.

“He has coasted on past successes… sure, loaves and fishes and raising the dead were good for the time and what the punters wanted but I can’t get him bookings with that alongside the likes of Derren Brown these days, let alone someone like Abu Hamza or one of the top Islam guys. He has to shit or get off the pot”

Reaction amongst the faithful to early leakage of this news has been at best lukewarm. Ricky Dawkins, a noted religious commentator who has been an outspoken critic of Christ’s material told our reporter “Jesus…? His early stuff showed promise, although a lot of it reminded me of Cat Stevens…but he just has no relevance today amongst the kids. I mean, his first release, the New Testament was an interesting concept piece but there was no sequel! How long are the public expected to wait?”

In his defence, Christ cites mismanagement by the Vatican, and “Holy” Joe in particular; “Take my promotion in Ireland for example… a good crowd and always receptive to my output but for fucks sake I didn’t expect “Suffer Little Children” to be taken so literally by the pluggers and PR guys!”

This formed part of a controversial EP of material released in Ireland which also included  “I am the Way”   “This is My Body” and  “Let me Come Unto You”  “I couldn’t get a support slot with Gary Glitter in Dublin with PR like that… thanks for nothing Holy Joe!”

Ratzinger remains unrepentant. “He has to realise that the fans need more these days from their religion..all this repentance and forgiveness is old hat!! Catholics have moved on… they need new fresh stuff that reflects the times… things that are important to people. They see the kind of things that are put out by other artists such as beheading for adultery, clitoral excision, forced marriages and think.. it’s new… it’s relevant… why dwell on the old stuff? Confession and reparation is so yesterday! Jesus has had his day.”

Catholicism, then, begins the search for a new spiritual leader, and Jeremy Clarkson is in the front seat. While Clarkson has denied any links with the Catholic church, his Mercedes has been seen parked outside the Vatican, and sources close to the Pope say that his popularity in Poland could be a “boon” for the Church.