Gordon Brown today attempted to revive Labour’s chances of winning seats from the SNP in Scotland by unveiling an ambitious project to deep-fry the remote island of Skaaagh. The island, which has a population of just 3, will be coated in batter and then submerged in oil until it goes a golden brown colour.

“What the people of Scotland want,” claimed Brown yesterday, “is an ambitious project that represents the Scottish way of life and costs absolutely billions of pounds. This beautiful island,” announced Brown, “will be deep-fried for approximately 3 minutes with a rainfall of boiling vegetable oil, and the two neighbouring islands of Skooogh and Skeeegh will be covered in dipping sauces of ketchup and brown sauce.”

“We will then invite Scottish sheep to graze on deep-fried grass, and the island’s deer will be perfectly encased in a mouth-watering, crunchy batter.”

The Labour government asked some of Britain’s most renowned artists for grand-scale projects that would boost Labour’s chances in Scotland. Anish Kapoor proposed a haggis the size of Dundee, although the population of Dundee rebelled at the idea, as it was actually intended to replace the city. Tracey Emin proposed a small nuclear disaster in the Shetland Isles, but it was Damien Hirst’s deep-fried island that won the approval of the government.

Hirst told reporters: “the deep-fried island reflects the very essence of Scotland, in that there is a tough, crunchy exterior, with a soft, beautiful interior, and that at first glance, things are not as they seem. The deep-fried island mirrors all of Scotland’s hopes and aspirations – and we’re quite sure that people will find it very tasty.”

Local hermit Douglas McWyllie, however, said that he would be petitioning the government to stop the deep fry, saying that he has lived on the island for 50 years with his two sheep and doesn’t want any damn tourists. “It’s my island, you bastards,” he railed. “I’ve lived here all my life and some poncey bastard artist comes along thinking he can cover it in batter, deep fry it and pass it off as art? What about ma hoose? What about my sheep? I mean, I like my food deep fried as much as anyone, but the batter will go all soggy within a couple of hours. It’s just madness.”

Heston Blumenthal, however, believes it is a brilliant idea, and has been commissioned by the government to create the batter.

“I think it’s genius,” he said all bright-eyed and beaming. “What I thought would go really well with all that bog and peat out there is a vodka-based tempura mixture that has been mixed through with nitrous oxide and lark’s vomit. Then we’re literally going to coat the mixture onto the island and release a 3-minute non-stop cloudburst of vegetable oil that will deep-fry the whole place to buggery. I can’t wait.”