I don’t know about you, but this whole Jon Venables “still being alive” thing really makes me sick. We should have hanged him years ago alongside Gary Glitter and all those paediatricians from Portsmouth, and even that’s too good for them. The idea that we – the taxpayers – are funding his lavish lifestyle in prison, makes me boil with rage.

I want to know everything about Jon Venables so that we’re all safe from this monster. I want a camera fitted to his head so that we can see every little detail of his life – in fact, I hear that they can read thoughts now, so I think scientists should be scanning his mind for any signs of monstrosity. The minute they find the slightest bad thought, he should be confined to solitary, and the key should be thrown away.

Jon Venables’ life should be documented to the last detail, so that every single one of us can sleep safely in our beds – I’d be happy to pay someone 20 grand a year to sit and record everything, from what he eats for breakfast to the size of his stools to the TV programmes he watches, to the number of times he scratches his evil head. We have a right to know everything – and it should be made public either on a website or in The Sun – on a daily basis. Call it Big Brother if you want, but it’s our responsibility as crazed, reactionary loons to keep this monster away from us for as long as possible.

And it’s not just Venables, it’s every paedophile, every murderer and every Guardian reader that should be tracked, documented and never, ever rehabilitated into society. We have a right to know just what they’re doing – at all times of day. If there were a “national vile monster warning system”, which is what I’ve proposed to the government only this week, then our children would always be safe. The government could raise the alert to red every time a paedophile or a murderer were to come within, say, a mile of a decent human being. If Jon Venables goes to the toilet – we have a right to know, because he could be plotting his escape down the pipes.

Of course, Ed Balls and Gordon Slackjaw Brown don’t want this – they think he should be let free into society for some bizarre reason, along with all the other paedophiles, murderers, rapists and liberals. In their minds, they seem to be creating some kind of monster utopia, where decent taxpayers like you and me are preyed upon and robbed senseless. They talk about this thing called rehabilitation, but what is that, if it’s not pouring our tax pounds down the toilet – Jon Venables’ toilet!

Disclaimer: Of course, we do not endorse the views of Vorderman, nor did she actually write for us. We’d never allow her to do such a thing.