Supermarket giant Tesco has recalled a batch of ready meals after it was revealed that they may have higher quantities of “healthy ingredients” than at first feared. The Eat YourSelf Stupid range of Lard Butties and Cholesterol Lasagna were found to have significant traces of vitamin B, as well as abnormally high traces of lettuce.

“We apologise to our consumers,” said a somewhat fictitious spokesman for Tesco last night. “This will come as a horrible shock to many. It was absolutely not our intention to provide them with healthy ingredients, and we are horrified to learn that some of our ready meals contain both vitamin B and lettuce. We will be looking into our procedures closely to ensure that the obesity of our customers is not affected in the future, and that they continue to enjoy gorging themselves on our health-free products.”

The Eat Yourself Stupid range has proved incredibly popular since its introduction as a “guilt-free” path to premature heart disease, early onset diabetes and potentially, death. Its high-fat range of triple burgers, beer-soaked lard and goose fat drinks literally flew off the shelves within minutes of going on sale.

TV adverts proclaiming the Eat Yourself Stupid range have included notable fatties Dawn French and Johnny Vegas indulging themselves in an Eat Yourself Stupid “triple cardiac chocolate mousse” before bathing in a vat of clarified butter. The strapline “contains absolutely no healthy ingredients whatsoever” has today been blown out of the water.

“I just love the Eat Yourself Stupid range,” beamed Tesco consumer Theresa Futtocks, from Shytte-on-Sea. “But when I discovered a lettuce leaf next to the Cholesterol Lasagna, I shrieked and called my husband over – he had to remove it with a pair of tweezers. I’m damned if I’m touching any of that foreign shit. I immediately hopped back on my shopmobility scooter, well, OK, I kind of slumped on it, and took it back to the store. It seems there were quite a few others who had the same problem.”

Queues of angry shoppers have been a familiar feature over the last few days, with many complaining about a “nauseating feeling” after mistakenly chomping on a piece of carrot. Rachel Gonorrhea of Basingstoke said that she “choked on this bizarre orange thing”, and added that “if I’d known they were trying to creep up on us with all this healthy shit, then I wouldn’t have bought it. I’d have gone to the fruit and veg section.”

She paused before adding: “I think I’ll go back to just eating crisps, now.”