Terrorist organisation Al-Qaeda has announced that 2,000 jobs are to go, mostly in its Western Europe Terrorism Division. The cut-backs, announced yesterday, are part of a scheme to streamline Al-Qaeda’s operations and help it maintain its position as the world’s “number one terrorist network”.

Patricia Al-Fayarya, HR Director at Al-Qaeda, says that the cuts are necessary in order to maintain operational efficiencies, stating that “it is unfortunate that we have to let people go in this economic climate, but what these now redundant terrorists have to realise is that they were never even paid in the first place. They can still achieve their dreams – and the promise of virgins in the afterlife is not just an Al-Qaeda promise, but one that is made to all young terrorists, so we fully support them in their future ambitions. However, those ambitions will not be achieved with AQ.”

She continued: “We need to appreciate the fact that we are an extensive organisation and we need to keep an eye on costs. It’s not cheap flying all these kids out from Bradford to Afghanistan or Pakistan – and some of them want to fly first class as well. That’s not happening.”

The terrorist network will now focus its attention on the more profitable Middle East arena, with new offices opening up in Yemen and Somalia. However, due to the mass of local talent in the area, there will be no relocation opportunities for those made redundant in this latest round of job cuts.

The news at Al-Qaeda’s bomb factory in Wakefield was met with dismay. Wasim al-Killya said that he would go back to working at his Dad’s shoe factory until something came along: “It’s either that or the bakery, and I’ve got a slight allergy to wheat, so the shoe factory it is. It’s the third time I’ve been made redundant, too. I’ve applied to ETA, the real IRA, and even thought of starting my own SME terrorist business, so you know – things might happen soon.”

At least 200 terrorists joined the queues at the Job Centre in Bradford yesterday, on what was labelled “a somewhat chilling, but busy” day by Job Centre staff. “We simply couldn’t cope,” said Valerie Sansespoir, who works at the Job Centre. “They were coming in asking for any potential bombing opportunities, and the closest we could get was a part-time job as a demolitions executive down the road in Leeds, but they didn’t want to travel. These poor terrorists, I mean, they spend their lives training for one thing and then Al-Qaeda shut down half of their centres – no pun intended, but this unemployment thing is a ticking timebomb.”

“Some of them, however, have to downgrade their expectations. Al-Qaeda’s benefits package of unlimited virgins in the afterlife is great, but Gregg’s are offering retail vouchers and a free sausage roll for lunch every day, so it’s swings and roundabouts, really.”