Syphilis sufferers are “100 times more likely” to use Facebook than sufferers of other sexually transmitted diseases, according to a spurious report commissioned by The Sun and the Telegraph. The diseased hordes are apparently “hell-bent” on connecting with others, poking people and clicking on the “likes this” button.

The report shows that syphilites, as they are known, “go crazy” for Facebook, and may infect other users by simply activating the “poke” button. Sir Edward Wartcock from the International Syphilitic Institute (ISI) said that “Facebook users are at horrible, horrible risk of seeing their genitals shrink to almost nothing just by being poked by someone with syphilis. In fact, by merely accepting a friend request from someone with the disease, you are 300 times more likely to contract it than by having intercourse.”

“Our research also found that Twitter causes gonorrhea, and that Myspace causes genital warts. People who tweet more than 5 times a day are at severe risk, while Myspace users, well they’re both OK for now, but we’ll see about the genital warts.”

Syphilite Hugo Barbaric-Smith said that he has so far resisted the urge to join Facebook, adding that “some of my syphilitic friends have succombed, but I know the risks, and I’ve held myself back. Doctors say that if I do take up Facebook, not only am I putting others at risk, but I’m putting myself at risk – at risk of wasting enormous amounts of time, and at risk of finding out that my friends are doing nothing of any consequence. Already, two of my friends from Syhpil-us, a support group I go to every Wednesday, have joined Facebook, and they’ve turned into mouth-frothing, inane loons who always find an excuse not to go out. Frankly, I’m fine with just the STD, thanks.”

Doctors have warned syphilites not to turn computers on, and to minimise the risks by avoiding mobile phones with inbuilt Facebook applications. GP and syphilis expert Rosemary Mabite-Faitmal said “always wash your keyboard and mouse if you really do have to use your computer, and if you absolutely, really do have to use Facebook – wear surgical gloves and try to avoid poking others.”